HAMILTON: BEING A TRUE ACCOUNT OF AMERICA'S GREATEST PRESIDENT ACT 3

Act 3:

In which the plot of Julius Caesar, Shakespeare’s third best tragedy, is shamelessly ripped off lovingly paid homage too!

[Open on a street in Washington. We hear the sounds of cheering offstage. Two men enter]

MAN 1: Did you hear? He comes this way!

MAN 2: Who?

MAN 1: What mean you who? Hamilton, man!

MAN 2: I thought he was still in Britain.

MAN 1: He returned today! He set back for our fair land as soon as King George signed the declaration of surrender, making Britain a territory of America. Good Golly man, don’t you know anything?

MAN 2: sorry, I’ve been busy working three jobs to refinance the rock I live under.

MAN 1: Harken! He approaches!

[Enter HAMILTON Stage Right, riding on a white pony while giving a double ‘V’ for Victory sign ala President Nixon. He moves across the stage before exiting Stage Left. Behind him walks JEFFERSON who is stopped from exiting when BURR enters from Stage Left and halts him]

BURR: Tarry, yes tarry.

JEFFERSON: The name’s Thomas, Burr.

BURR: How did you find Britannia?
JEFFERSON: It was certainly in the waves. I was glad to return here.

BURR: Yet perhaps, hmm yes perhaps our glorious president has returned with some Britain in him, yes?

JEFFERSON: What mean you by that Burr?

BURR: That is, yes that is a matter for literary critics to decide, hmm.

[There is suddenly a great cheering from offstage.]

BURR: Now what do you suppose that is?

JEFFERSON: I’m sure I wouldn’t know.

BURR: Yes, it is always good, yes always quite good to know well one’s own thoughts. If one cannot know even those, then he can know nothing, and we know the success of that political party.

[Another cheering rises up.]

JEFFERSON [clearly agitated]: There it is again!

BURR: What, yes, what do you think it might be?
JEFFERSON: I fear they are trying to make Hamilton king.

BURR: Aye? Then you do fear it?

JEFFERSON: I fear any man who might seek to end our democracy by declaring himself King. Washington may have been a fool, but he knew that if he made himself king it would tear the nation in two.

BURR: But Hamilton maybe does not know this?

JEFFERSON: No, what he does know is he is the most popular president in history.

BURR: Yes, but to be fair he has not had much competition.

JEFFERSON[undeterred]: Our economy is the best in the world, our army is respected and better, feared by the rest of the world powers. He is riding a wave of public laudation after single handily capturing England. We’re winning so much that the people are almost sick of us winning. Were he to declare himself King, there would be no rebellion, only parades, and the people would never know what they had given up for it.

BURR: Surely you do not think Hamilton would though? He is, hmm, he is after all always speaking about, all about personal liberties.

JEFFERSON: Yes, but lately he has been taking far too much power for himself. It is one matter for him to declare war without congressional approval, and to pass his tax increases on the wealthy, but it is a far different matter when he makes the national amphibian the Newt without consulting the minister of semi-aquatic lifeforms.

[Another shouting arises]

JEFFERSON: There it is again! I must see what occurs!

BURR: There is no, no need. Here comes Jackson, we will ask him. Jackson, How now?

[Enter JACKSON]

JACKSON: Brown Cow!

JEFFERSON: What was that first shouting about?

JACKSON: If it was not the silliest thing I ever saw. That fool Kefauver offered Hamilton a crown.

JEFFERSON: What did he do?

JACKSON: Why, he turned it away, though as he did so a peculiar, pained look came into his gaze, much like the look my wife gave me when I first met her.

BURR: What, what was then the second shouting about?

JACKSON: Why, the same thing! Kefauver offered him the crown again, and once more Hamilton turned it away, but this time his hand seemed loathe to depart from touching the crown and a light of hunger entered his features, much like the look on my father-in-law’s face when I paid the dowry.

BURR: And the third time?

JACKSON: What think you it was? the same again, and again Hamilton turned it away in a pretty show, but as he did he seemed to grow sick and nearly fainted, much like my wife at our wedding

JEFFERSON: I must go!

BURR: Might Jackson and I drop by your place this evening?

JEFFERSON: This evening’s no good for me, what about tomorrow?

BURR: Tomorrow? No, tomorrow is no good for me. No. The day after tomorrow?

JEFFERSON: No, no good either. How about the next?

JACKSON: That’s bad for me. What about the next night?

JEFFERSON: No, that’s a bust for me.

BURR: Well how about this evening?

JEFFERSON: Yes, I’m free this evening

JACKSON: Well it’s my wife and I’s anniversary tonight, so I will be free as well.

JEFFERSON: So be it, I will see you then.

[Exit Jefferson]

JACKSON: I do not know why we busy ourselves with that…that!

BURR: Patience my friend, we must court yes we must court him to our cause.

JACKSON: You make it sound as if we were marrying him, and I have had enough bigamy for one lifetime Burr. In any case, I still do not see why we must have him, One good whack of my hickory stick and that is the last we need hear of President Hamilton

BURR: No! No, we, you and I, we cannot do the deed. Were we to strike him, the people would think it a killing, yes a very bad killing, motivated by political gamesmanship and not, no not ever by virtue.

JACKSON: Though it is motivated by gamesmanship.

BURR: What it is or is not, no, no it does not matter. It is what the people think that matters because that becomes a truth of itself, surpassing the true truth, yes. Jefferson must strike, nay will strike, because were he to do it, the people see him and see a respected, venerable citizen standing up for liberty. Us, we are not that, only Jefferson could do the deed and hope to salvage a political future from it, yes.

JACKSON: Very well. I have trusted you this far Burr, and frankly it has gotten  me nowhere, but as a conservative, I see no reason to change.

BURR: Yes.

End scene 1

Scene 2

[The House of Jefferson. Well furnished. He sits in a large chair brooding. Enter Burr and Jackson.]

JEFFERSON (singing):

I know what you are here to ask

Don’t pretend you’re not, put away the mask,

You want me to kill our president,

But I ask that in this you relent,

He is my friend please understand,

So how can I put his head in the sand?

Now do not let this confuse,

Of his power he does abuse,

But is it worthy of his demise?

I don’t know, you tell me, guys!

BURR (singing):

He’s a killer! A Warmonger! A Despot too!

His presidency we all shall rue!

Of democracy and republic there will be few

Unless you strike him dead as you must do!

JACKSON (singing)

He has crossed the line,

Death must be his fine!

Of his tyranny there’s every sign,

Strike him dead, now’s the time!

JEFFERSON (singing):

But he’s a good man! (held)

BURR (singing):

He’s a killer! A Warmonger! A Despot too!

His presidency we all shall rue!

Of democracy and republic there will be few

Unless you strike him dead as you must do!

JACKSON (singing)

He has crossed the line,

Death must be his fine!

Of his tyranny there’s every sign,

Strike him dead, now’s the time!

JEFFERSON (singing):

But he’s my frieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend

BURR (singing):

He’s a killer! A Warmonger! A Despot too!

His presidency we all shall rue!

Of democracy and republic there will be few

Unless you strike him dead as you must do!

JACKSON (singing)

He has crossed the line,

Death must be his fine!

Of his tyranny there’s every sign,

Strike him dead, now’s the time!

JEFFERSON (singing):

But heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee’s

ALL: (singing):

He’s a killer! A Warmonger! A Despot too!

His presidency we all shall rue!

Of democracy and republic there will be few

Unless we strike him dead as we must do!

He has crossed the line,

Death must be his fine!

Of his tyranny there’s every sign,

We’ll strike him dead, now’s the time!

End Scene 2

Scene 3

[The floor of the senate. Enter EUGENE MCCARTHY and JOSEPH MCCARTHY].

EUGENE: They say a great honor is to be bestowed upon President Hamilton today.

JOSEPH: Point of order, what do you think it is?

EUGENE: I don’t know. Frankly I don’t see why we are honoring him when he pursued that terrible war. Can you believe Kefauver even wanted me to compose a sonnet in his honor?

JOSEPH: As a point of order, I think that’s ridiculous. I heard a rumor they were going to crown him king, think it’s true?
EUGENE:  Who knows? All I know is that when a king appears it usually causes the senate to disappear.

JOSEPH: Point of order, they just better not give him a red crown.

[The two go to their seats and other senators slowly file in as well as JACKSON, BURR, and JEFFERSON.  HAMILTON then enters amid much applause and begins shaking hands.]

HAMILTON: Good to see you Hubert. Conklin, always a pleasure. Estes, how are you?

KEFAUVER: Good, but not as good as you will be after I make my presentation.

HAMILTON: You sound like I did before I proposed to my wife.

BURR: Hail Hamilton

HAMILTON: Burr.

BURR: Hamilton, will you allow the new territories to become slave holding states?

HAMILTON: As I have said before no. Slavery is a terrible enough injustice without having it spread like a foul butter across the toast of America.

JACKSON: Hail Hamilton, I beg you reconsider your position.

HAMILTON: No, I would sooner reconsider your face Jackson.

JEFFERSON: Hamilton, I tell you that slavery must be allowed in territories.

HAMILTON: Nay! Nay! Nay! I will not have the liberties of the any American trampled upon no matter their color. No argument will sway me

BURR: Let guns speak for me!

[BURR shoots HAMILTON in the chest. HAMILTON stumbles back towards JACKSON who pulls out a pistol and shoots him in the same place. HAMILTON then stumbles towards JEFFERSON who pulls out a gun.

HAMILTON[quickly] You also are part of this plot to kill me which is highly ironic since you are my best friend and thus your betrayal affects me far more than the betrayal by these two who I have always known hated me, Jefferson?

[JEFFERSON unloads two shots into HAMILTON’S chest. HAMILTON collapses. The senators begin to panic and shout.]

JEFFERSON (singing):

Friends you all listen to me

Cause this here’s the story,

Of the reason why I went

And shot our good president

Let me tell you he was a fine man,

That wasn’t the reason for the plan,

It was because the exec. power was up,

Up in his head. Its why he needed death’s cup

To make him dead, I loved him,

More than my own brother, Tim,

But our democracy was quite threatened,

Hamilton, though the declaration he penned,

Would have made himself a posh king,

And liberty’s bell would cease to ring

So I had to kill him, you see,

Otherwise there’d be no liberty!

I didn’t want to do it,

Nearly gave me a fit,

But for you and you and you,

I knew what I had to do,

So I killed him, I surely did,

For me, you, and your kid,

So we could live in freedom,

Of my argument, that’s the sum!

BURR: Uh, ditto

CROWD: Word!

JEFFERSON: We go now to announce the tidings to the rest of Washington. Bury Hamilton with all honors due his office.

[Exit JEFFERSON, BURR and JACKSON. KEFAUVER goes over to HAMILTON’S body and stands over it.]

KEFAUVER: Alas the fall of Hamilton, and on this of all days! Today we were going to present you with the latest bill from the treasury department my friend. It has your face upon it, and it was so apropos because both it and you are tens. Can you still hear me my president, even beyond death’s pale river?

HAMILTON: Yeah, I can hear you.

KEFAUVER: What? How is this?

[HAMILTON gets up and brushes himself off]

KEFAUVER: How?

[HAMILTON pulls a book from inside his jacket]

HAMILTON: The Federalist Papers. They stopped the bullets of hatred and slavery from striking the liberty of my heart.

KEFAUVER: Then why did you pretend to be dead?

HAMILTON: I wanted to see where the three of them were going with that first.

KEFAUVER: Ah, you are as wise as you are impermeable my President.

HAMILTON: Issue warrants for the arrests of the three. Bring Jefferson in alive.

SENATORS: Lock him up! Lock him up!

End Scene 3.

End Act 3

(Fun Fact: Some of the articles of the Anti-Federalist Papers were written under the pseudonyms Cato and Brutus. So you see, the ripping off of Julius Caesar is actually a clever historical in-joke and not indicative of the lack of talent of this writer, as I TOTALLY knew that before I wrote this.)