Hamilton: Being a True Account of America's Greatest President Act II

Act 2: 

You Can't Stump the Hamilton

Scene 1

[Open in Washington: A number of important personages are gathered about the middle of the stage discussing things. At the right side of the stage is a podium with a presidential seal upon it. HAMILTON and JEFFERSON enter from Stage left and the crowd greets them with enthusiastic cheers. HAMILTON stops walking near the stage, while Jefferson continues up to the podium and waves to the crowd, which soon quiets down.]

JEFFERSON: People of these United States. It has been my pleasure and my privilege to serve as your president these past eight years.

CROWD: Four More years! Four more years!

JEFFERSON: Heck no! I’ve done my time! Uh, I mean…I intend to follow the example of President Washington and end my presidential career here.

CROWD: BOO!

JEFFERSON: I am touched by your boos, I truly am, but I want to spend more time with my family, who I haven’t even seen since I began this task. Yet I should not abandon you if I wasn’t sure there was a better man for the job. Which is why it is my pleasure to nominate for the office of President, a man who could perhaps challenge even Washington as the father of this country. Ladies and Gentlemen, today I nominate for the office of President, a man whose character is without question, and whose grasp of politics is beyond reproach. Today I nominate Alexander Hamilton for the Presidency of the United States of America!

[Crowd erupts into applause as HAMILTON makes his way onto the stage. HAMILTON and JEFFERSON embrace as JEFFERSON steps to one side and HAMILTON takes the podium.]

HAMILTON: Ladies and Gentlemen, Liberty!

[Crowd applauds madly for twelve minutes.]

HAMILTON:  (singing)

Yeah its morning in America

Taste that Liberty, its ambrosia

All we have to fear,

is fear itself, that clear?

Me as President, well that’s a plan,

Some say we can’t, but yes we can!

I want you all to read my lips,

No new taxes, that’s a cinch.

Soon it’s gonna be chicken in every pot,

It is after all, the reason why we fought

As for trusting me look,

I am not a crook

Me as President, well that’s a plan

Some say we can’t, but yes we can

Be the change you see in the world,

And now let’s get that flag unfurled.

Ask not what your country can do for you man,

Ask what you can do for your country, man

Because let me tell you, yes we-can, yeas we-can, yes we-can, can! Can! Can! Can! Can!

[Crowd applauds]

BURR [Offstage]: I wouldn’t count your presidencies, no, no not before they hatch Hamilton. They are liable to fly away if you do.

HAMILTON: Who speaks?
BURR [Entering from stage left]: I sir.

HAMILTON: I haven’t the pleasure, who are you?

BURR: My name Is Aaron Burr and I, I am also a candidate for President.

CROWD: BOO!

JEFFERSON: And what makes you sir, think you are qualified to defeat Hamilton for the Presidency?

BURR: What makes me qualified? What makes me qualified? Yes, I am glad you ask that!

(Singing)

.Burr is my name,

Winning is my game

I’m sure you’ll say yours is the same,

And for it you have all sorts of fame,

But I got more babes than Cory Haim,

Though who that is ain’t in my brain,

You Hamilton you are so lame,

Why you ain’t even got no dame,

Me you know I’ll be your bane,

And your chances I will maim.

You winning why that’s inane,

Your lyrics I swear are just a pain,

You got less talent than Zayne.

We’ll you’ve head a lot all about me,

But now it’s time to introduce my V.P.

You know he’s a man of action,

His name is Andrew Jackson!

[Enter Andrew Jackson from stage Left].

JACKSON:

Yo Jackson on the scene,

My lyrics are obscene,

They ain’t, you know, clean,

Of success I’m the prime dean,

My and Burr we are a dream team,

If insulting me you are fain,

Then I’ll beat you with my hickory cane!

BURR:

Well that’s Jackson my man, a man of the people,

Our motto: When the Prez does it it’s not illegal,

If you want you can elect this cat Hamilton,

But with him, from this country will all run

He got less government sense than a nun,

No offense to the Sisters, this is all in fun,

Until we all die under a blast megaton,

Launched by President Hamilton,

So if you want a Prez who’ll keep you safe,

You can Vote for me in good faith

Cause Burr is the word is the word is the Burr etc.

CROWD: Boo!

BURR: Bah! Away Jackson!

[Exit BURR and JACKSON]

JEFFRSON: You think we have anything to fear from them Hamilton?

HAMILTON: Did I not just tell you what the only thing we have to fear is Tom?

JEFFERSON: Sorry Alex.

HAMILTON: No problem Tom, you are still President after all, it’s only natural you shouldn’t listen to what people are saying.

End Scene 1

Scene 2

[A park. Enter SUSAN B. ANTHONY and MARY WOOLSTONECRAFT]

ANTHONY: Why are we here again Mary?

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Don’t you remember Susan? There needs to be a scene with two women talking so this show passes the Bechdel test.

ANTHONY: Ah yes! Why aren’t there more women in here anyway?

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Because the author is a raging misogynist, obviously.

ANTHONY: Ah yes, I thought so.

End Scene 2

Scene 3

[A large crowd gathered about a stage. Sitting on either side of a podium are HAMILTON and BURR. JEFFERSON sits next to HAMILTON and JACKSON sits next to BURR. At the podium stands ESTES KEFAUVER in his traditional coonskin cap]

KEFAUVER: Ladies and Gentlemen, it is indeed a something to stand before you tonight. I do not use the word honor since it certainly is not that, as you all wish me to simply read the name of our next president, but you must realize that there is a social contract here that cannot be violated, and I must speak at length before telling you what you want to hear, or perhaps what many of you do not want to hear; for of that I cannot say, only you and God know who you have voted for, and I would not dare to compare myself with so estimable figure as the Lord, as clearly I have not quite attained his popularity within the United States Government as his is the only name to appear on all our money; yet perhaps one day the name Kefauver will similarly adorn all aspects of government, or yet will my name pass only into obscurity? Will I be remembered I wonder, or shall me name devolve from title, to line, to footnote, to not even a word in the book of history?  Are our lives but soon extinguished flickers in the impermeable darkness? Are we but fireflies in the fields of nihilism soon to be smashed in time’s iron hands?

     Well I sure as heck don’t know, but on with the announcement. In this envelope, I hold the name of the next President of the United States as chosen by voters from across America and even a fair number of international voters as well. Just remember, no matter whose name is read, everyone is still a winner. Except of course Burr, since he got curb stomped.

[The crowd erupts into cheering and HAMILTON and JEFFERSON leap up and embrace each other in joy. BURR lets up an unearthly scream and JACKSON begins cursing while beating a nearby constituent with his hickory stick. HAMILTON then approaches the podium, shakes hands with KEFAUVER, and begins to speak]

HAMILTON: Liberty!

[Crowd applauds zealously.]

[Hamilton sits down.]

JEFFERSON [to BURR]: It seems, sir, you have failed.

BURR: We shall see, yes see we shall.

REVERE [offstage]: The British are coming! The British are coming!

KEFAUVER: Paul, you are a bit late with that aren’t you?

REVERE [entering]: No sir, word has just come in! the British have just invaded us!

KEFAUVER: Impossible! What year is it?

REVERE: 1812 sir!

KEFAUVER: Well in that case I suppose it makes since.

HAMILTON: My friends, the British seek to take this land and destroy our hard won liberty

CROWD: Boo!

HAMILTON: But let me tell you this, we are going to take our country back from those Lords and Dukes and Kings whose idea of Liberty is their ability to tax the rest of their people with a system that benefits only one percent of the landed gentry while the ninety-nine percent suffer under the crushing weight of debt. No more I say! Let’s give em heck! To battle!

[The Crowd cheers and runs off. JEFFERSON grabs HAMILTON’s arm]

JEFFERSON: Hamilton, we must first get Congress to declare war before we can do anything, I fear you are overstepping your bounds as President.

HAMILTON: My friend, there is no time, this is an emergency and certain processes must be overlooked in the name of liberty!

JEFFERSON [uneasily] Well, alright.

[Exit Hamilton and Jefferson].

BURR: (evil laugh)

End Scene 3

End Act 2