Hamilton: BTAAGP Act 4

Act 4:

This Time It’s Personal

Scene 1

[HAMILTON sits alone in a room brooding. Enter ELEANOR ROOSEVELT]

ROOSEVELT: Sir, get up.

HAMILTON: I am up

ROOSEVELT: You’re not up on things.

HAMILTON: On what things should I be up?

ROOSEVELT: Secession.

HAMILTON: I know Abe is succeeding me.

ROOSEVELT: No sir, not succession, secession.

HAMILTON: As long as it’s not a recession.

ROOSEVELT: Sir, the south has broken off from us and declared themselves as the Confederate States of America.

HAMILTON: I never liked them anyway.

ROOSEVELT:  They’re being led by Jefferson, Jackson, and Burr

.HAMILTON: I guess I should go stop them huh?

ROOSEVELT: Probably a good idea. You want me to send in the marines?

HAMILTON: No. This may have started out as a matter of national security, but they made it personal.

ROOSEVELT: What are you going to do?

HAMILTON: I’m going do some Reconstruction…[stands up and puts on sunglasses.] On their faces

End Scene 1

Scene 2

[Open in a comfy home environment. ELIZABETH HAMILTON sits in a chair whetting a knife]

[Enter HAMILTON].

HAMILTON: Hello Elizabeth.

ELIZABETH: Alex!

[The two embrace.]

HAMILTON: Elizabeth, I have something to tell you. You know I love you more than anything in the world. Will except for liberty, but you are a close second. I know we haven’t established any of this or shown it, but trust me, it’s real. But back to the subject at hand, I am going to go and kill the three of them, Burr, Jackson, and Jefferson. I am going to do this alone. It’s too personal for me to do it any other way.

ELIZABETH: Alex, before you do this, please hear what I have to say.

HAMILTON: I know what you are going to say wife of mine. I have told it to myself a thousand times. What right have I to put my life in danger? Not when I have you and the children counting on me, not to mention all the children of America. What right have I to seek personal vengeance when the people elected me to do the job of President? Is the burden they have placed upon me too great to allow me life the cold blade of vengeance?

ELIZABETH [placing her hands on HAMILTON’S shoulders]: Alex, listen to me.

HAMILTON: Yes?
ELIZABETH:  Get ‘em! GET EM!

HAMILTON: By liberty, I love you!

[The two make out.]

End Scene 2

Scene 3

[Open on an office wherein are the three conspirators. JEFFERSON sits at a desk looking pensive, BURR paces about, and JACKSON leans in a corner of his own volition, because no one puts JACKSON in a corner.]

JEFFERSON: Well, we’re all probably going to die.

BURR: None of that, no, none of that my friend, solidarity is, yes it is our one chance.

JACKSON: Let the north declare war on us. Let them come! I am ready to bury my hickory stick in a few skulls.

BURR: Jackson, leave us, yes go, go for a time.

JACKSON: Fine, I needed a smoke anyway.

[Exit JACKSON]

BURR: Now, my friend,

(Singing:)

Now, together at the last,

As we were in times past,

Now our cause, it may seem hopeless,

But I tell you we’ll have victory’s kiss

We are going to win, win, win,

We’ll win so much it’ll be a sin,

But if we’re to do that we must be one.

United in purpose and all of that fun

Or will we come together and fuze,

And by that be a perfect ten,

Resulting in a big, big, win?

JEFFERSON: Whatever.

End Scene 3

Scene 4

[Outside, JACKSON lights a cigarette and takes a whiff of it.]

JACKSON: Mmm! This tastes good.

HAMILTON [offstage]: Like a cigarette should?

JACKSON: Who said that?

[Enter HAMILTON]

HAMILTON: Hello Jackson!

JACKSON: I had heard the rumors of your death were greatly exaggerated.

HAMILTON: No more so than the rumors that you killed me.

JACKSON [Raising his hickory stick]: Dog! I’m going to finish what I started in the senate chamber!

[HAMILTON pulls out a pistol and fires it point blank into JACKSON. It’s not very effective.]

JACKSON: [laughing] Fool! No bullet can slay me!

HAMILTON: Then I guess I’ll have to improvise.

[HAMILTON pulls out the Declaration of Independence and rolls it up. The two begin dance-dueling one another.]

JACKSON (singing):

I’m gonna beat you with my hickory stick,

If you think otherwise than you’re just thick

I’m going to whack you straight, out of your life,

Of death and decay, you will be nice and rife.

HAMILTON (singing):

I hear from you a lot of big words

They’re less substantive than curds,

You say you’re going to make me dead,

But it is your number that’s been read

JACKSON: (singing):

Don’t know about reading, but get ready to write,

You’ll be needing an epitaph after losing this fight,

My moves and my lyrics they are out of sight,

And you will fall before the power of my might,

HAMILTON (singing):

Yeah they’re real nice if you’re a fool,

I don’t even think you went to school,

Your lines and rhymes have nothing on me boy,

I have more power and words than Leo Tolstoy.

JACKSON (singing):

That’s well and good if you’re into Russia,

But if that’s all ya got I’m gonna crush ya,

You’ve a lot of knowledge between your ears,

But when it comes to dueling I have no peers.

HAMILTON: (singing):

Then why not quit your fooling and run me through,

Face it, you’re no more a dueler than you are a zoo

They couldn’t play a fanfare for you on a kazoo,

And at your funeral, they won’t fill even one pew,

JACKSON (singing):

Just for that I will make you bleed,

On your blood the earth shall feed,

You have less rhythm than a rotten orange,

And your lines are so…so…so…

[HAMILTON runs JACKSON through with the Declaration of Independence.]

HAMILTON: Word to your mother.

End Scene 4

Scene 5

 [Back in the office, JEFFERSON is now alone. Enter HAMILTON]

HAMILTON: Jefferson!

JEFFERSON [grabbing a gun and pointing it at HAMILTON]: Stay back!

HAMILTON [lays his gun on the ground and slowly walks toward his former friend]: Jefferson, I seek only to talk.

JEFFERSON: What would you say?

HAMILTON: Why Jefferson? Why?
JEFFERSON: Why not? You would have made yourself Grand Despot of this land.

HAMILTON: My friend, I would never do that!

JEFFERSON: You overstepped your bounds. You declared war, you issued unprecedented executive orders, you were mad with power.

HAMILTON: But Tom, violence is never the answer!

JEFFERSON: What about the Revolutionary War?

HAMILTON: That doesn’t count.

JEFFERSON: What about the War of 1812?

HAMILTON: That doesn’t count either. Look, perhaps you are right. Perhaps I did overstep my bounds; nay not perhaps, I did. But that is why I have you, and congress, to tell me when I do that and so that these things can be worked out democratically. If violence is our first resort when dealing with each other instead of our last, than we are no better than animals, or Canadians. Come back to Washington with me Jefferson and we will fix things, together.

JEFFERSON [lowers gun]: Oh Alex I’m sorry [cries].

HAMILTON[embracing his friend]: So am I

[Suddenly a shot sounds from offstage and JEFFERSON falls over.]

HAMILTON [looking up]: You!

[Enter BURR]

BURR: Oh dear, did I do that? Oh, oh, so terribly sorry, I did not, no, I did not mean to kill him, I merely, yes, I merely meant to kill him.

HAMILTON: I would say I am going to make you follow after him, but that’s not true is it? Because I know his soul is in heaven but yours I’m going to send straight to Hell!

BURR: Heh, big, yes very big words for an unarmed man to a man with a gun.

HAMILTON: I have a weapon greater than all the guns in the world, Burr. Liberty!

BURR: I will take the gun.

HAMILTON [moving towards BURR and singing]:

 Here you’ll find nothing but liberty

Why it even grows on that tree!

[BURR shoots HAMILTON. HAMILTON keeps coming at him]

Liberty lying all over the place, see?

Here in America were young and free!

[BURR shoots HAMILTON. HAMILTON keeps coming at him]

Who’s free, why you and me, even that bee!

It doesn’t cost a dime, cause to it there is no fee!

[BURR fires now at point blank range, but HAMILTON is unstoppable.]

Everybody will just let you be,

[BURR tries to fire, but the gun is empty]

Cause you’ve have,

HAMILTON (shouting) LIB-ER-TY! [delivers a roundhouse kick to BURR’S face, breaking BURR’S neck and killing him instantly.]

HAMILTON: [fist-pumping]:Liberty!

[HAMILTON then grips his wounds and falls over in pain.]

KEFAUVER [offstage]: He’s in here men! [entering with a dozen people] Oh no, no, no, no, Mr. President! [rushes over to the fallen HAMILTON]

HAMILTON: Hello Kefauver. I think I’m dying.

KEFAUVER: No sir, you can’t! How can we continue without you?

HAMILTON: That’s what the vice-president is for.

KEFAUVER: But he is so young!

HAMILTON: Lincoln will learn, they all do.

KEFAUVER: But sir, you are America

HAMILTON: No! Don’t say that! Don’t ever say that! America is greater than me, its greater than you, its greater than any of us; because America is all of us. Will we contradict one another? Sure! But that’s what makes America so great, that we can contradict one another and have the liberty to do it without fear of being killed for it. America does not die with me, it continues as long as there are men and women who believe in freedom, dignity, and liberty. This is but the dawn of America, Estes, and it shall continue when I die, acting as a beacon of light and hope to the world. And how wonderful, if only for an instant, to have been a part of it. Estes, before I die, I issue my final pardon as President. I pardon Thomas Jefferson of all crimes. He knew not what he did. Give him the burial that befits one of his status.

KEFAUVER: I shall.

HAMILTON: And tell my wife, I always loved her.

KEFAUVER: of course.

HAMILTON: And tell liberty, I loved her the best.

KEFAUVER: um, sure.

HAMILTON: Farewell, farewell!

[HAMILTON dies. A mournful bugle sounds as KEFAUVER and the others carry HAMILTON and JEFFERSON’S bodies offstage as the lights fade to blackout.]

End Scene 5

End Act 4

Epilogue

[UNCLE SAM and LADY LIBERTY are back in the middle of the stage again.]

LIBERTY: Ahem, “The events and character portrayed in this film are fictitious. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental”

UNCLE SAM: Welp, see ya around folks, and remember to buy war bonds today!

Blackout.

The End 

(or is it really The Beginning?)

HAMILTON: BEING A TRUE ACCOUNT OF AMERICA'S GREATEST PRESIDENT ACT 3

Act 3:

In which the plot of Julius Caesar, Shakespeare’s third best tragedy, is shamelessly ripped off lovingly paid homage too!

[Open on a street in Washington. We hear the sounds of cheering offstage. Two men enter]

MAN 1: Did you hear? He comes this way!

MAN 2: Who?

MAN 1: What mean you who? Hamilton, man!

MAN 2: I thought he was still in Britain.

MAN 1: He returned today! He set back for our fair land as soon as King George signed the declaration of surrender, making Britain a territory of America. Good Golly man, don’t you know anything?

MAN 2: sorry, I’ve been busy working three jobs to refinance the rock I live under.

MAN 1: Harken! He approaches!

[Enter HAMILTON Stage Right, riding on a white pony while giving a double ‘V’ for Victory sign ala President Nixon. He moves across the stage before exiting Stage Left. Behind him walks JEFFERSON who is stopped from exiting when BURR enters from Stage Left and halts him]

BURR: Tarry, yes tarry.

JEFFERSON: The name’s Thomas, Burr.

BURR: How did you find Britannia?
JEFFERSON: It was certainly in the waves. I was glad to return here.

BURR: Yet perhaps, hmm yes perhaps our glorious president has returned with some Britain in him, yes?

JEFFERSON: What mean you by that Burr?

BURR: That is, yes that is a matter for literary critics to decide, hmm.

[There is suddenly a great cheering from offstage.]

BURR: Now what do you suppose that is?

JEFFERSON: I’m sure I wouldn’t know.

BURR: Yes, it is always good, yes always quite good to know well one’s own thoughts. If one cannot know even those, then he can know nothing, and we know the success of that political party.

[Another cheering rises up.]

JEFFERSON [clearly agitated]: There it is again!

BURR: What, yes, what do you think it might be?
JEFFERSON: I fear they are trying to make Hamilton king.

BURR: Aye? Then you do fear it?

JEFFERSON: I fear any man who might seek to end our democracy by declaring himself King. Washington may have been a fool, but he knew that if he made himself king it would tear the nation in two.

BURR: But Hamilton maybe does not know this?

JEFFERSON: No, what he does know is he is the most popular president in history.

BURR: Yes, but to be fair he has not had much competition.

JEFFERSON[undeterred]: Our economy is the best in the world, our army is respected and better, feared by the rest of the world powers. He is riding a wave of public laudation after single handily capturing England. We’re winning so much that the people are almost sick of us winning. Were he to declare himself King, there would be no rebellion, only parades, and the people would never know what they had given up for it.

BURR: Surely you do not think Hamilton would though? He is, hmm, he is after all always speaking about, all about personal liberties.

JEFFERSON: Yes, but lately he has been taking far too much power for himself. It is one matter for him to declare war without congressional approval, and to pass his tax increases on the wealthy, but it is a far different matter when he makes the national amphibian the Newt without consulting the minister of semi-aquatic lifeforms.

[Another shouting arises]

JEFFERSON: There it is again! I must see what occurs!

BURR: There is no, no need. Here comes Jackson, we will ask him. Jackson, How now?

[Enter JACKSON]

JACKSON: Brown Cow!

JEFFERSON: What was that first shouting about?

JACKSON: If it was not the silliest thing I ever saw. That fool Kefauver offered Hamilton a crown.

JEFFERSON: What did he do?

JACKSON: Why, he turned it away, though as he did so a peculiar, pained look came into his gaze, much like the look my wife gave me when I first met her.

BURR: What, what was then the second shouting about?

JACKSON: Why, the same thing! Kefauver offered him the crown again, and once more Hamilton turned it away, but this time his hand seemed loathe to depart from touching the crown and a light of hunger entered his features, much like the look on my father-in-law’s face when I paid the dowry.

BURR: And the third time?

JACKSON: What think you it was? the same again, and again Hamilton turned it away in a pretty show, but as he did he seemed to grow sick and nearly fainted, much like my wife at our wedding

JEFFERSON: I must go!

BURR: Might Jackson and I drop by your place this evening?

JEFFERSON: This evening’s no good for me, what about tomorrow?

BURR: Tomorrow? No, tomorrow is no good for me. No. The day after tomorrow?

JEFFERSON: No, no good either. How about the next?

JACKSON: That’s bad for me. What about the next night?

JEFFERSON: No, that’s a bust for me.

BURR: Well how about this evening?

JEFFERSON: Yes, I’m free this evening

JACKSON: Well it’s my wife and I’s anniversary tonight, so I will be free as well.

JEFFERSON: So be it, I will see you then.

[Exit Jefferson]

JACKSON: I do not know why we busy ourselves with that…that!

BURR: Patience my friend, we must court yes we must court him to our cause.

JACKSON: You make it sound as if we were marrying him, and I have had enough bigamy for one lifetime Burr. In any case, I still do not see why we must have him, One good whack of my hickory stick and that is the last we need hear of President Hamilton

BURR: No! No, we, you and I, we cannot do the deed. Were we to strike him, the people would think it a killing, yes a very bad killing, motivated by political gamesmanship and not, no not ever by virtue.

JACKSON: Though it is motivated by gamesmanship.

BURR: What it is or is not, no, no it does not matter. It is what the people think that matters because that becomes a truth of itself, surpassing the true truth, yes. Jefferson must strike, nay will strike, because were he to do it, the people see him and see a respected, venerable citizen standing up for liberty. Us, we are not that, only Jefferson could do the deed and hope to salvage a political future from it, yes.

JACKSON: Very well. I have trusted you this far Burr, and frankly it has gotten  me nowhere, but as a conservative, I see no reason to change.

BURR: Yes.

End scene 1

Scene 2

[The House of Jefferson. Well furnished. He sits in a large chair brooding. Enter Burr and Jackson.]

JEFFERSON (singing):

I know what you are here to ask

Don’t pretend you’re not, put away the mask,

You want me to kill our president,

But I ask that in this you relent,

He is my friend please understand,

So how can I put his head in the sand?

Now do not let this confuse,

Of his power he does abuse,

But is it worthy of his demise?

I don’t know, you tell me, guys!

BURR (singing):

He’s a killer! A Warmonger! A Despot too!

His presidency we all shall rue!

Of democracy and republic there will be few

Unless you strike him dead as you must do!

JACKSON (singing)

He has crossed the line,

Death must be his fine!

Of his tyranny there’s every sign,

Strike him dead, now’s the time!

JEFFERSON (singing):

But he’s a good man! (held)

BURR (singing):

He’s a killer! A Warmonger! A Despot too!

His presidency we all shall rue!

Of democracy and republic there will be few

Unless you strike him dead as you must do!

JACKSON (singing)

He has crossed the line,

Death must be his fine!

Of his tyranny there’s every sign,

Strike him dead, now’s the time!

JEFFERSON (singing):

But he’s my frieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeend

BURR (singing):

He’s a killer! A Warmonger! A Despot too!

His presidency we all shall rue!

Of democracy and republic there will be few

Unless you strike him dead as you must do!

JACKSON (singing)

He has crossed the line,

Death must be his fine!

Of his tyranny there’s every sign,

Strike him dead, now’s the time!

JEFFERSON (singing):

But heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee’s

ALL: (singing):

He’s a killer! A Warmonger! A Despot too!

His presidency we all shall rue!

Of democracy and republic there will be few

Unless we strike him dead as we must do!

He has crossed the line,

Death must be his fine!

Of his tyranny there’s every sign,

We’ll strike him dead, now’s the time!

End Scene 2

Scene 3

[The floor of the senate. Enter EUGENE MCCARTHY and JOSEPH MCCARTHY].

EUGENE: They say a great honor is to be bestowed upon President Hamilton today.

JOSEPH: Point of order, what do you think it is?

EUGENE: I don’t know. Frankly I don’t see why we are honoring him when he pursued that terrible war. Can you believe Kefauver even wanted me to compose a sonnet in his honor?

JOSEPH: As a point of order, I think that’s ridiculous. I heard a rumor they were going to crown him king, think it’s true?
EUGENE:  Who knows? All I know is that when a king appears it usually causes the senate to disappear.

JOSEPH: Point of order, they just better not give him a red crown.

[The two go to their seats and other senators slowly file in as well as JACKSON, BURR, and JEFFERSON.  HAMILTON then enters amid much applause and begins shaking hands.]

HAMILTON: Good to see you Hubert. Conklin, always a pleasure. Estes, how are you?

KEFAUVER: Good, but not as good as you will be after I make my presentation.

HAMILTON: You sound like I did before I proposed to my wife.

BURR: Hail Hamilton

HAMILTON: Burr.

BURR: Hamilton, will you allow the new territories to become slave holding states?

HAMILTON: As I have said before no. Slavery is a terrible enough injustice without having it spread like a foul butter across the toast of America.

JACKSON: Hail Hamilton, I beg you reconsider your position.

HAMILTON: No, I would sooner reconsider your face Jackson.

JEFFERSON: Hamilton, I tell you that slavery must be allowed in territories.

HAMILTON: Nay! Nay! Nay! I will not have the liberties of the any American trampled upon no matter their color. No argument will sway me

BURR: Let guns speak for me!

[BURR shoots HAMILTON in the chest. HAMILTON stumbles back towards JACKSON who pulls out a pistol and shoots him in the same place. HAMILTON then stumbles towards JEFFERSON who pulls out a gun.

HAMILTON[quickly] You also are part of this plot to kill me which is highly ironic since you are my best friend and thus your betrayal affects me far more than the betrayal by these two who I have always known hated me, Jefferson?

[JEFFERSON unloads two shots into HAMILTON’S chest. HAMILTON collapses. The senators begin to panic and shout.]

JEFFERSON (singing):

Friends you all listen to me

Cause this here’s the story,

Of the reason why I went

And shot our good president

Let me tell you he was a fine man,

That wasn’t the reason for the plan,

It was because the exec. power was up,

Up in his head. Its why he needed death’s cup

To make him dead, I loved him,

More than my own brother, Tim,

But our democracy was quite threatened,

Hamilton, though the declaration he penned,

Would have made himself a posh king,

And liberty’s bell would cease to ring

So I had to kill him, you see,

Otherwise there’d be no liberty!

I didn’t want to do it,

Nearly gave me a fit,

But for you and you and you,

I knew what I had to do,

So I killed him, I surely did,

For me, you, and your kid,

So we could live in freedom,

Of my argument, that’s the sum!

BURR: Uh, ditto

CROWD: Word!

JEFFERSON: We go now to announce the tidings to the rest of Washington. Bury Hamilton with all honors due his office.

[Exit JEFFERSON, BURR and JACKSON. KEFAUVER goes over to HAMILTON’S body and stands over it.]

KEFAUVER: Alas the fall of Hamilton, and on this of all days! Today we were going to present you with the latest bill from the treasury department my friend. It has your face upon it, and it was so apropos because both it and you are tens. Can you still hear me my president, even beyond death’s pale river?

HAMILTON: Yeah, I can hear you.

KEFAUVER: What? How is this?

[HAMILTON gets up and brushes himself off]

KEFAUVER: How?

[HAMILTON pulls a book from inside his jacket]

HAMILTON: The Federalist Papers. They stopped the bullets of hatred and slavery from striking the liberty of my heart.

KEFAUVER: Then why did you pretend to be dead?

HAMILTON: I wanted to see where the three of them were going with that first.

KEFAUVER: Ah, you are as wise as you are impermeable my President.

HAMILTON: Issue warrants for the arrests of the three. Bring Jefferson in alive.

SENATORS: Lock him up! Lock him up!

End Scene 3.

End Act 3

(Fun Fact: Some of the articles of the Anti-Federalist Papers were written under the pseudonyms Cato and Brutus. So you see, the ripping off of Julius Caesar is actually a clever historical in-joke and not indicative of the lack of talent of this writer, as I TOTALLY knew that before I wrote this.)

Hamilton: Being a True Account of America's Greatest President Act II

Act 2: 

You Can't Stump the Hamilton

Scene 1

[Open in Washington: A number of important personages are gathered about the middle of the stage discussing things. At the right side of the stage is a podium with a presidential seal upon it. HAMILTON and JEFFERSON enter from Stage left and the crowd greets them with enthusiastic cheers. HAMILTON stops walking near the stage, while Jefferson continues up to the podium and waves to the crowd, which soon quiets down.]

JEFFERSON: People of these United States. It has been my pleasure and my privilege to serve as your president these past eight years.

CROWD: Four More years! Four more years!

JEFFERSON: Heck no! I’ve done my time! Uh, I mean…I intend to follow the example of President Washington and end my presidential career here.

CROWD: BOO!

JEFFERSON: I am touched by your boos, I truly am, but I want to spend more time with my family, who I haven’t even seen since I began this task. Yet I should not abandon you if I wasn’t sure there was a better man for the job. Which is why it is my pleasure to nominate for the office of President, a man who could perhaps challenge even Washington as the father of this country. Ladies and Gentlemen, today I nominate for the office of President, a man whose character is without question, and whose grasp of politics is beyond reproach. Today I nominate Alexander Hamilton for the Presidency of the United States of America!

[Crowd erupts into applause as HAMILTON makes his way onto the stage. HAMILTON and JEFFERSON embrace as JEFFERSON steps to one side and HAMILTON takes the podium.]

HAMILTON: Ladies and Gentlemen, Liberty!

[Crowd applauds madly for twelve minutes.]

HAMILTON:  (singing)

Yeah its morning in America

Taste that Liberty, its ambrosia

All we have to fear,

is fear itself, that clear?

Me as President, well that’s a plan,

Some say we can’t, but yes we can!

I want you all to read my lips,

No new taxes, that’s a cinch.

Soon it’s gonna be chicken in every pot,

It is after all, the reason why we fought

As for trusting me look,

I am not a crook

Me as President, well that’s a plan

Some say we can’t, but yes we can

Be the change you see in the world,

And now let’s get that flag unfurled.

Ask not what your country can do for you man,

Ask what you can do for your country, man

Because let me tell you, yes we-can, yeas we-can, yes we-can, can! Can! Can! Can! Can!

[Crowd applauds]

BURR [Offstage]: I wouldn’t count your presidencies, no, no not before they hatch Hamilton. They are liable to fly away if you do.

HAMILTON: Who speaks?
BURR [Entering from stage left]: I sir.

HAMILTON: I haven’t the pleasure, who are you?

BURR: My name Is Aaron Burr and I, I am also a candidate for President.

CROWD: BOO!

JEFFERSON: And what makes you sir, think you are qualified to defeat Hamilton for the Presidency?

BURR: What makes me qualified? What makes me qualified? Yes, I am glad you ask that!

(Singing)

.Burr is my name,

Winning is my game

I’m sure you’ll say yours is the same,

And for it you have all sorts of fame,

But I got more babes than Cory Haim,

Though who that is ain’t in my brain,

You Hamilton you are so lame,

Why you ain’t even got no dame,

Me you know I’ll be your bane,

And your chances I will maim.

You winning why that’s inane,

Your lyrics I swear are just a pain,

You got less talent than Zayne.

We’ll you’ve head a lot all about me,

But now it’s time to introduce my V.P.

You know he’s a man of action,

His name is Andrew Jackson!

[Enter Andrew Jackson from stage Left].

JACKSON:

Yo Jackson on the scene,

My lyrics are obscene,

They ain’t, you know, clean,

Of success I’m the prime dean,

My and Burr we are a dream team,

If insulting me you are fain,

Then I’ll beat you with my hickory cane!

BURR:

Well that’s Jackson my man, a man of the people,

Our motto: When the Prez does it it’s not illegal,

If you want you can elect this cat Hamilton,

But with him, from this country will all run

He got less government sense than a nun,

No offense to the Sisters, this is all in fun,

Until we all die under a blast megaton,

Launched by President Hamilton,

So if you want a Prez who’ll keep you safe,

You can Vote for me in good faith

Cause Burr is the word is the word is the Burr etc.

CROWD: Boo!

BURR: Bah! Away Jackson!

[Exit BURR and JACKSON]

JEFFRSON: You think we have anything to fear from them Hamilton?

HAMILTON: Did I not just tell you what the only thing we have to fear is Tom?

JEFFERSON: Sorry Alex.

HAMILTON: No problem Tom, you are still President after all, it’s only natural you shouldn’t listen to what people are saying.

End Scene 1

Scene 2

[A park. Enter SUSAN B. ANTHONY and MARY WOOLSTONECRAFT]

ANTHONY: Why are we here again Mary?

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Don’t you remember Susan? There needs to be a scene with two women talking so this show passes the Bechdel test.

ANTHONY: Ah yes! Why aren’t there more women in here anyway?

WOLLSTONECRAFT: Because the author is a raging misogynist, obviously.

ANTHONY: Ah yes, I thought so.

End Scene 2

Scene 3

[A large crowd gathered about a stage. Sitting on either side of a podium are HAMILTON and BURR. JEFFERSON sits next to HAMILTON and JACKSON sits next to BURR. At the podium stands ESTES KEFAUVER in his traditional coonskin cap]

KEFAUVER: Ladies and Gentlemen, it is indeed a something to stand before you tonight. I do not use the word honor since it certainly is not that, as you all wish me to simply read the name of our next president, but you must realize that there is a social contract here that cannot be violated, and I must speak at length before telling you what you want to hear, or perhaps what many of you do not want to hear; for of that I cannot say, only you and God know who you have voted for, and I would not dare to compare myself with so estimable figure as the Lord, as clearly I have not quite attained his popularity within the United States Government as his is the only name to appear on all our money; yet perhaps one day the name Kefauver will similarly adorn all aspects of government, or yet will my name pass only into obscurity? Will I be remembered I wonder, or shall me name devolve from title, to line, to footnote, to not even a word in the book of history?  Are our lives but soon extinguished flickers in the impermeable darkness? Are we but fireflies in the fields of nihilism soon to be smashed in time’s iron hands?

     Well I sure as heck don’t know, but on with the announcement. In this envelope, I hold the name of the next President of the United States as chosen by voters from across America and even a fair number of international voters as well. Just remember, no matter whose name is read, everyone is still a winner. Except of course Burr, since he got curb stomped.

[The crowd erupts into cheering and HAMILTON and JEFFERSON leap up and embrace each other in joy. BURR lets up an unearthly scream and JACKSON begins cursing while beating a nearby constituent with his hickory stick. HAMILTON then approaches the podium, shakes hands with KEFAUVER, and begins to speak]

HAMILTON: Liberty!

[Crowd applauds zealously.]

[Hamilton sits down.]

JEFFERSON [to BURR]: It seems, sir, you have failed.

BURR: We shall see, yes see we shall.

REVERE [offstage]: The British are coming! The British are coming!

KEFAUVER: Paul, you are a bit late with that aren’t you?

REVERE [entering]: No sir, word has just come in! the British have just invaded us!

KEFAUVER: Impossible! What year is it?

REVERE: 1812 sir!

KEFAUVER: Well in that case I suppose it makes since.

HAMILTON: My friends, the British seek to take this land and destroy our hard won liberty

CROWD: Boo!

HAMILTON: But let me tell you this, we are going to take our country back from those Lords and Dukes and Kings whose idea of Liberty is their ability to tax the rest of their people with a system that benefits only one percent of the landed gentry while the ninety-nine percent suffer under the crushing weight of debt. No more I say! Let’s give em heck! To battle!

[The Crowd cheers and runs off. JEFFERSON grabs HAMILTON’s arm]

JEFFERSON: Hamilton, we must first get Congress to declare war before we can do anything, I fear you are overstepping your bounds as President.

HAMILTON: My friend, there is no time, this is an emergency and certain processes must be overlooked in the name of liberty!

JEFFERSON [uneasily] Well, alright.

[Exit Hamilton and Jefferson].

BURR: (evil laugh)

End Scene 3

End Act 2

HAMILTON: BEING A TRUE ACCOUNT OF AMERICA'S GREATEST PRESIDENT ACT I

HAMILTON:

BEING A TRUE ACCOUNT OF THE HISTORY OF AMERICA’S GREATEST PRESIDENT

Prologue:

[Enter UNCLE SAM and THE STATUE OF LIBERTY]

SAM: Well Howdy there folks, my name be Uncle Sam and this here is my purty, little wife, Lady Liberty.

LIBERTY: Welcome!

SAM: A lot of y’all out there may think ya know the history of ‘Murica cause y’all got you some book learning or ya went to one of em fancy schools. [spits] Hogwash all of it! y’all know ‘bout as much ‘bout ‘Murica as my nose knows ‘bout my toes!  

LIBERTY: Sam, get to the point.

SAM: Right, well now let me tell y’all all ‘bout ‘Murica and the man who singlehandedly made it great. His name were Alexander Hamilton and it began a long ways back.

LIBERTY: Sam, maybe we should show them and not tell them?

SAM: Darn good idea hon! well let’s get this show on the road folks!

[Exit SAM and LIBERTY]

End of Prologue

Act 1

Scene 1

     [Plymouth Rock: Lots of greenery and undisturbed wilderness. Enter               

     ALEXANDER HAMILTON and THOMAS JEFFERSON]

JEFFERSON: Well Alex, we made it!

HAMILTON: So this is India is it?

JEFFERSON: No Alex, we’re in America, Plymouth Bay to be precise.

HAMILTON: And not a moment too soon, Tom. If I had to stay on The Mayflower one more second, I think I would have jumped into the ocean.

JEFFERSON: Ha! Ha! Ha! Silly Alex, only fish belong in the ocean.

HAMILTON [making dramatic hand gestures]: Yes Tom, Fish must swim in the sea, birds must fly in the air, and I…I must belong in my own environment. If only I knew what that was…

JEFFERSON: Well here seems as good a place as any, except maybe Jamaica; I could really see myself on those beaches.

HAMILTON: I do not know Tom, I came to America because you said I should, but what is there to make me stay? What is it that makes this great land so great?

JEFFERSON: Well… [Singing]:

You’ve got the pretty trees from coast to coast

A squirrel could jump the whole way I dare boast.

You’ve got a sea; what’s more a shining sea,

On which to float and catch fish nice and free.

Check out this soil, it’s nice and moist and brown

It fills every field and forest and town.

You ask me what makes America great?

I’ll give you reasons, a hundred and eight

HAMILTON: Well that’s all very well if you love nature, but what else is there that makes America great?

JEFFERSON: You want more? Well…

You got people here, better than most

They’ll fix you a nice slice of turkey roast

Pass me the peace pipe brother, I’m ready to smoke,

Just be careful you don’t go and choke, bloke.

They hang out and hunt on the great plains,

But they’ve enough sense to come in when it rains

Wigwams and buffalo are they’re scene,

If you like one you can give him a vaccine

You ask me what makes America great?

I’ll give you reasons, a hundred and eight.

HAMILTON: Well they sound like lovely people and all Tom, but that is just not grabbing me. What else is there?

JEFFERSON: You want more? Well…

Taxes, fines, tickets, and lawyers too,

Of them you’ll see fewer and few.

America is a fresh start,

From rules you’ll be apart.

Aren’t no kings here and your lacking any prince,

As for property rights, you won’t find one fence.

You ask me what makes America great?

I’ll give you reasons, a hundred and eight.

HAMILTON: Well, I can certainly get behind that, but without all the rules, regulations, and monarchs, what do we have in America?

JEFFERSON: Well…

Here in America your utterly free

Here you’ve got all liberty.

HAMILTON: Liberty?

JEFFERSON: Liberty!

HAMILTON: Liberty?

JEFFERSON: Liberty!

Here you’ll find nothing but liberty

Why it even grows on that tree!

Liberty lying all over the place, see?

Here in America were young and free!

Who’s free, why you and me, even that bee!

It doesn’t cost a dime, cause to it there is no fee!

Everybody will just let you be,

Cause you’ve got liberty!

You ask me what makes America great?

I’ll give you reasons, a hundred and eight!

HAMILTON: Wow! Liberty! America really is great!

HAMILTON: I told you.

TOGETHER:

Here you’ll find nothing but liberty

Why it even grows on that tree!

Liberty lying all over the place, see?

Here in America were young and free!

Who’s free, why you and me, even that bee!

It doesn’t cost a dime, cause to it there is no fee!

Everybody will just let you be,

Cause you’ve got liberty!

You ask us what makes America great?

We’ll give you reasons, a hundred and eight!

HAMILTON: Come my friend, let us go and discover this wondrous land and the liberty within!

JEFFERSON: Word!

[Exit HAMILTON and JEFFERSON]

End Scene 1

Scene II

[The House of Lords in England. Sitting around a great table are LORD BYRON, LORD LOVAT, and LORD TENNYSON]

TENNYSON: You’re being ridiculous Byron.

BYRON: Your face is being ridiculous Tennyson.

TENNYSON: Byron, we cannot very well execute Mr. Wordsworth.

BYRON: Why not? I have presented my charges against the so-called “poet”, and they are well and virtuous.

TENNYSON: This is simply a piece of paper that reads, “He stinks and I hate him”

BYRON: I rest my case.

LOVAT: Now, now gentlemen, let us calm down. There is no need to lose our heads over the matter.

BYRON: Would that we did, Lovat, then at least I would be unable to hear Wordy’s prattle any longer, nor thine either Tennyson.

     [Enter AARON BURR, a figure cloaked in black carrying a staff, speaking in a voice    

     reminiscent of Brother Theodore.

BYRON: What do you here sir?

BURR: My gracious, gracious and noble lords, I have come from far, yes very far shores to report to you many proceedings. Yes.

TENNYSON: Of what sort, stranger?

BURR: I come from your colonies. America, yes?

BYRON [drolly]: We are aware of the place

LOVAT: Come Byron, I want to see where this is Heading.

BURR: You are aware of America, but are you aware, yes, are you aware of what they say against You there?
TENNYSON: What mean you?
BURR: It is shouted in the streets, yes in the streets, ‘Death to the King! Death to his Lords! Death to England!’ Yes, very bad.

TENNYSON: Disgusting creatures.

BURR: That, no, that is not all. They have refused, completely refused, to pay the tax upon tea!

BYRON: Why, that is an outrage! We must put those Yanks in their place!

LOVAT: Let’s not get aHead of ourselves, this is not so great offense that it demands us Heading to war.

BURR: There is, yes there is one final reason

TENNYSON: What?

BURR: Alas, it is, it is so, so egregious, I cannot even bring myself to speak it. No.

BYRON: Well then, there is not much we can do about it.

BURR [pulling out a poster]: Here though, this, this poster shall explain it! [hands them the poster]

TENNYSON: (reading) ‘Lost Dog. Name: Bingo. Breed: Beagle. Height: One and a half feet. Weight: Seventy Pounds. Color: White and brow…’ (Looking at Burr): Why, what is this? Why is colour spelled without a ‘u’?

BURR: Alas, that was what I could not say. An act, yes, a great act of defiance it is. They  change the spelling of many words in defiance.

BYRON: Why this cannot stand! They might break our rules and disrespect us, but to change the very building blocks of our language? That is a crime against humanity itself!

TENNYSON: We stand one in purpose here Byron! Let us deal death to these fell beasts masquerading as men!

LOVAT: Off with their heads!

[Exit THE LORDS. BURR is left alone.]

BURR: Yes, yes go off and fight with the Americans. A good war it will be, a long one, yes. And when, yes, and when the victor emerges, I shall be there to swallow them up like a frog swallows a fly! [Laughs]

[singing]

Me, I just want to rule

I must, for America is a fool,

I know what is best for it

But I tell them and they have a fit.

My thoughts they are so great,

But not one will they satiate.

It seems to me then there is but one recourse,

To take the land by way of force.

And do it I could for I am strong

My power like a bell does gong,

Yet I am remiss to fight the whole nation,

Better the British should first wreck many a station,

Then will I go and present myself, messiah.

And then they’ll bow down and call me ‘sire’

I shall be their King,

Oh that has a nice ring.

King Burr the First,

My enemies a bratwurst,

To be consumed and digested by me.

It shall work, you shall see!

[Exit Burr]

End Scene II

Scene III

     [Philadelphia, July 4^th. the first continental congress is in session with many a      

     founding father present. Delegates from all of the states are seated at tables

      while BENJAMIN FRANKLIN stands in the middle. JEFFERSON sits at a  

     nearby desk taking down notes of the proceedings. HAMILTON is sitting in a

     dark corner brooding]

NEW YORK DELEGATE: Gentlemen, it is madness to think of leaving Britain. We should remain and by doing so, I am certain things will get better for us.

WISCONSION DELEGATE: I’m sorry Harold, I can’t hear you over the jingle of all the British cash in your purse. You and your New York values are the opposite of what this congress needs.

NEW YORK DELEGATE: At least I do not reek of curds and way as you do, Manfred.

CALIFORNIAN DELEGATE: Guys, you need to just like, chill out, it isn’t, like, that big a deal whether we leave or not.

SOUTH DAKOTAN DELEGATE: Tis the entire reason we are here Stephen!

CALIFORNIAN DELEGATE: What?

BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: Gentlemen! Gentlemen please! We must all hang together! Or most assuredly, we shall all hang separately.

[HAMILTON suddenly leaps up onto a nearby table and points an accusing finger at FRANKLIN]

HAMILTON: Nay learned one! You may know about publishing books and summoning lightening to rain down upon our enemies, but you betray your lack of knowledge about liberty! Liberty means disagreeing with one another and not falling in line with the majority! Liberty means we can fight and hate one another; and who are you, you dotard buffoon, to deny these men their liberty? Would you make yourself a little King George? King Benny of America? You disgust me!

FRANKLIN: Well good sir, if you are so talented at speaking ill to those who are clearly your superior, perhaps you have some words for King George and Old England about our plight? Hmm?

HAMILTON [silent for a moment]: Aye, I have something to speak to him, yet not only to one man nor one country, but to all of humanity.

FRANKLIN: Well out with it then!

HAMILTON: I would say that, when in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness—Tom, are you writing all of this down?

JEFFERSON: Every word Alex.

HAMILTON: Good, I might be at this for a while. Now where was I? Oh yes, That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed…[fade to black]

End Scene III

Scene IV

     [A battlefield. GEORGE WASHINGTON enters from Stage Right,

     HAMILTON and JEFFERSON enter from Stage Left. HAMILTON

     grabs WASHINGTON]

HAMILTON: General, where are you going?

WASHINGTON: It is hopeless Hamilton! The British have entombed themselves upon Bunker Hill in-between the towns of Lexington and Concord! Surrounding that place is the icy Delaware, which no man may cross and live! And before that even lies the Valley Forge, intricately mined by the Redcoats. We haven’t a chance!

HAMILTON: General, this is our last opportunity to drive the British out! If we do not defeat them this day, it shall all be over for us! Will you go back to Philadelphia and tell them ‘The British are Coming?’ For I shan’t! [Hamilton reaches down to the ground and picks up a fallen American flag and raises it like a spear.]  Come! We shall strike a final blow for liberty which shall crack these fellows from side to side!

WASHINGTON: Hamilton, you cannot! It is suicide!

HAMILTON: Mayhap General, but if the day is not won, we shall always be under the British yoke, and to that I say, Give me Liberty or give me death! Charge!

     [Hamilton charges and exits stage right, Jefferson following close behind.

     Washington tarries for a moment before following. The sounds of battle are

      heard off stage with cries of “Liberty”, shouts, cannon fire, musket fire, and

      the hollow gasp of death ringing out. From Stage Right enters a Redcoat,

     slowly dragging himself along on his hands and knees. Hamilton enters and

     places his foot on the man’s back before raising the flag]

HAMILTON (Singing):

Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn’s early light,

What so proudly we hail’d at the twilight’s last gleaming?

Whose broad stripes and bright stars, thro’ the perilous fight,

O’er the ramparts we watch’d, were so gallantly streaming?

And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air,

Gave proof thro’ the night that our flag was still there.

O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave

O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

End Act 1